I do whatever it takes to take my mind away from stressful realities and into a world of wonderment and imagination. When I get there, what I find is magnificent. Channeled from my place of safety and serenity, I share with you the beauty of letting go....
September 2nd, 2012
There were a number of unfortunate events last night within the models studio.
I think I’ll start by telling you the root of all evil was tea. Julia wanted late afternoon tea, of course, but didn’t quite know how to use our 500 year old stove.
Provided to us prior to our move-in was one pot, a few plates, 5 forks, two spoons, a garlic crusher, two mugs, aaaand one water glass. Where they computed the amount of dishes to supply for 3 people is beyond me! But I’ve made the assumption the pot, plates, forks, spoons, mugs, garlic crusher, water glass, aaaand stove were bought at the same time. Our not-so- modern 500 year old appliances, specifically the stove and pot, weren’t going to make the water boil. She asked me for some help. Walking over there, I couldnt help but keep asking myself the same question, “How many models does it take to make a cup of tea?
I was pretty certain my handywoman skills were enough to figure out this fine antique piece of shit.
I tried all the following…
Filled the pot with tea cup sized portion
Set pot on rusty, black, and brown stove burner
Flipped One switch up… Waited…nope!
Another switch up…waited…nope!
And vice versa…waited…NOPE!
(And yes, just in case you were wondering, we did both stand there starring at the water for quite some time in silence waiting for it to boil)
Unfortunately I failed! (Sorry Dad) <he’s the best handyman in the whole wide world>
When we thought all hope for tea was lost…Eureka!
I happened to find an old electric tea kettle in the closet. Lucky for us it was only about 200 years old.
Finally! Julia would get to proceed with her late afternoon tea ritual…
Or so I thought..
After all my hard efforts,
I decided to lay down on my bottom bunk. Which from here on out, Is my new afternoon ritual. (I felt left out without one in my agenda too)
Zip zap caaaaboooom!!!!!
(I was going to use lady robotic voice here to translate Julia’s scream for you, but Russians sound the same)
“Ah wah wuz zat?!”
”I think that was your tea kettle”
My natural reaction to chaos and disaster is to call for help. I blindly sorted through my things to find my brand spankin’ new Greek cellular. Miraculously I didn’t need the phone translated, and dialed Kate’s number.
Kate is our manager/Grecian mother/ agent/ translator/ navigation system/aaaaand 24 hour emergency contact.
(Just as a quick reminder, All names have been changed to protect the identities of the people named)
I threw the phone to Julia, telling her that it’s her tea kettle, so she needs to fix it. Obliviously I threw it to her in the dark. Now just so you know…All my previous experience in sports came into play at that very moment, and I hit her in the FACE!!!
(nah, just kidding…sounded more dramatic, but it was really just ever so slightly tossed perfectly into her lap)
“ah, key-ate! Zee power eeze out! Aye don know how eat happen!”
Pfff… Of course she did! It was for her damn tea!
Listening to the pathetic explanation, I realized it was probably because the girls didn’t have lady robotic voice from the itranslate app to help relay their conversation. (Like a good roomie, I gave Julia the benefit of the doubt)
I decided it was time for a professional to handle the situation, so I stepped up to the challenge.
“Hi Kate. So Julia plugged the electronic tea kettle into a socket that already had five other plugs in the extension cord, and set it on top of the stove. And the stove was on.”
After the breathtaking finale of tea kettle fireworks….we had no electricity, water, or electrician for 12 hours!
So, “How many models does it take to make a cup of tea?”
Julia hasn’t had any tea for a week…
This was the man Julia bought her tea from at the Farmer’s Market
Moral of the story…
Tea is not my cup of coffee!
September 2nd, 2012
August 31st, 2012
August 29th, 2012
August 29th, 2012
May 18th, 2012
May 10th, 2012
February 19th, 2012
There’s nothing I’ve wanted more than to have the life everyone dreams of.
The impression of living a dream has changed year to year,
But it never hinders my desire to attain “the dream”
One year it may be where I want to live,
And the next it may be what I want to drive.
No matter what or where I am,
There is always something for me to dare to dream for.
Is there ever a place where people feel the satisfaction of accomplishment?
And in that moment in time, is it always bound to skip the finish line, and jump to the start of another feat they’ve yet to beat?
I want to have what they have, or what she has.
What I do have just isn’t enough and I must have more of it.
There is no way I will settle for where I am now, because settling means giving up, and I will give into this. I am better than this, and all my happiness will change as long as I have what I don’t, but so strongly desire.
In the mean time, I’m going to need this and that in order for me to get there.
No matter what, I promise once I get there, I will become happy.
The dreams of my life will come true, and no matter what, I will be happy
I will be happy
I will love
I will be loved
I am loved
But I’m not, and wait!
I have nothing of what I desire.
The drive for more always seems to shade the areas of our lives that have already become highlights.
We’ve seemed to forget where and when we got to where we are now.
But, how and why and when did this all happen?
When did I get lost along the way?
I thought I already endured the process.
How is it that I’m still not done?
I thought this is what I always wanted?
I fought through all those tough times to get to here.
But, now I’m here, and hate where I am.
There’s no lack of motivation from my own initial breaking free from the “norm”. Where I came from, and who I used to be is the fire that lights my way. Unfortunately, I’m stuck within the ideal of what I used to want to be, and what I used to want to have.
There it is.
It sits there.
It lies there.
It is the one thing I have always longed for
So easily available for the pick up
Not a moment more do I have to wait to reap the rewards.
Actually no, wait.
It already has become my reality,
And has been for quite some time.
I seemed to have forgotten this used to be “it” for me
Not a second of satisfaction and I find the fault within the dream I used to think was imperfect!
I find the “not so good enough’s” within ever nook and cranny
And for some reason I didn’t see it before, but now I do.
There it is!
Not good enough!
Why did I not see it then, but now the sight of it is sickening?
Unfortunately the devastation paralyzes me, and now I cant go anywhere but stay where I used to want to be, but just realized it wasn’t!
I wanted to be here, and now here I am, and I’ve exhausted myself, but still want something else.
This continual fight and strive to be and have something better leaves me with nothing left to use to fuel me towards the next best thing.
The next of what?
I have yet to find of what or which that is, but I shall find it.
When I get there.
I probably won’t notice, acknowledge, reward, or congratulate myself for it,
Because I would’ve already forgotten that it use to exist as only a mere dream, and that it now is my reality.
I would have moved on and started focusing on what the new ideal is.
The past wouldn’t have mattered any longer.
All that would matter is that I’m not where I “now” want to be.
I’m not meeting the standard within my own mind.
The mind that used to think it was striving for the thing it’s already living in, but used to long for.
These are things unconsciously that happen everyday
But yet I’m still not good enough.
But within my failed ideal of a functioning human being,
I succeeded beyond all failures
If I was granted a wish
And what is this and what does it mean and how precise do I have to be and what does it entail?
Does the grammar matter?
If I misspell a word, would I be granted something completely opposite of what I tried to imply?
What if I don’t enunciate well enough on the parts that matter more?
What does that mean?
This wish would change my life forever
Forever forever forever forever
What is forever?
Sometimes my forever is within
The Minute, and seconds of my present.
A wish that will last forever
The pressure is too much and it makes me forget
But then there’s the anger and frustration levels that significantly increase because I long so much so to wish I could have a wish ever second, minute, hour, and day to have a wish to be granted for me to change my life forever.
But now I don’t
Maybe never will…
Fucked fucked up
It’s all too much
Too much to think about
My mind blanks
The moment of calm gives me temporary satisfaction
Until suddenly the storm blows in and the presence of my life is within the split seconds I sit there and try to figure out what the fuck I want
Yesterday I wanted this
And this morning I thought I wanted that,
But now that’s not it.
Right at this moment,
I have no idea what the differences are between this, that, and the others
Punish, Anguish, Banish,
Sluggish, Rubbish, Blemish,
Devilish, nightmarish, Foolish, selfish, sheepish, amateurish….
Without The “ish” of all these words,
Is what I wish NOT to be?
January 30th, 2012
Four years ago I moved away from home. My parents let this “Asia bird” fly the coup. They hoped they taught her enough of what she’d need to know in the real world, and that she’d be just fine.
My parent’s gift was to provide their children with the necessary tools to use in certain situations. I have used them all, and many times gone back to old ones, and also developed new ones.
I’m attempting to write more, share more, and in doing so I also face one of my greatest fears; judgment and acceptance. I’m sharing more, and hope those that read my writing have an impact on a deeper level.
I’ve been hungry and had little reserve to spend aimlessly. (And yes, food is in the budget) sometimes I’m hungry, but don’t have the money…so whenever I have leftovers, I always take them home with me. Even when I could save them for myself for later…I never hesitate to share…
Al is a blue-collar worker I met stumbling through the subway today.
I had half a sandwich leftover from dinner. I hauled it around New York all night, getting whiffs of the Ham and Brie arbitrarily. My food budget was gone, and I needed something to eat later. But when I saw him, I didn’t think twice! I approached him…
I smiled, said hi, and with no eye contact or hesitation, this was his response,
"I’m not a bum ma’am,
I’m just really tired.
I’ve worked 12hour days straight
For as long as I can remember.
I’m not a bum ma’am,
You know, I really do got a house and family
And someone has to do it.
It’s just something you’ve gotta do.
I’m not a bum. I’m not a bum.”
He continued to mumble to himself and pace back and forth, and in a subtle attempt, I tried to offer him my sandwich.
It was after I offered forward the bag, when he made eye contact with me, and continued to try to convince me he wasn’t homeless. But this time, he was no longer mumbling, but rather raising his voice and yelling.
I started to get a little afraid and worried about what to do if his yelling escalated toward something else. A second later, I couldn’t control the words that came from my mouth.
"You know, I’m not a bum either, but sometimes I get very hungry and don’t have money to buy food. So, homeless or not, everyone needs to eat. I’ve already had half, and you can have the other."
He paused, looked at me puzzled, and I asked him his name. It was Al. I wished him well, and then I walked away, listening to him yelling at himself and convincing himself that he wasn’t a bum.
The significance of a “hello” is more than most know…
He and I fed each other more than food could ever offer.
January 28th, 2012